SEINFELD - Season 6, Episode 9 - The Secretary

“The Secretary”

First Script Read: November 2, 1994

Filmed: November 9, 1994

Aired: December 8, 1994

Nielsen rating: 20.7

Audience share: 31

Directed: David Owen Trainor

Writers: Carol Leifer and Marjorie Gross

By the midpoint of season six, Seinfeld was more frequently putting its characters into wacky circumstances rather than have them extract humor from normal circumstances. If you watch the documentary featurettes sprinkled throughout the DVDs, Jason Alexander notes this shift. I used to think he was over-reacting but as I re-watch the series this time I am seeing it. Check out the funny stuff in this episode, broken down into two categories:

Humor of the Ordinary  

-George passes on attractive secretaries, realizing he'll be happier with an efficient, homely secretary over one who is physically beautiful yet maddeningly unattainable for him.

-Blaming skinny store mirrors, Elaine regrets buying a dress that, once she leaves the store, she finds she doesn't like.

-Kramer likes moisturizer even though it is supposedly a "feminine" product.

-Elaine talks loudly about the ending of a movie as she and Jerry leave the theater, spoiling the plot for those waiting in line.

Humor of the Zany  

-Kramer gets Uma Thurman's phone number but loses it when his moisturizer blurs out the numbers, foiling his chance at a date with the movie star.

-Jerry's dry cleaner and his wife wear their customer's clothes.

-George sleeps with his secretary, Ada, because he is turned on by her efficiency.

-George blurts out "I'm giving you a raise!" to Ada during sex. When he follows through on this promise, she starts earning more than he does.

-Kramer sells Bania the clothes he is wearing, concluding the deal in a department store women's change room. He finds himself with no clothes and is eventually forced to wear nothing but his underwear and Jerry's mother's fur coat home through the winter streets of New York.

-Elaine wears a dress she is trying on out into the streets to look for a "non-partisan" mirror. She doesn't like the dress, but is forced to buy it because she got salt stains on it.

-George meets with George Steinbrenner twice about his secretary's salary. Other than the scene when he hired George at the end of season five, these are the first appearances of Steinbrenner. These almost always end with George wandering out of The Boss's office even while Steinbrenner is still ranting nonsense.

As ridiculous as early Seinfeld could be, most of the stories remained rooted in the ordinary because they were frequently based on real things that happened to Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, and the other writers. This was still true for some stories. Writer Tom Gammill really did buy a LaBaron because the salesman convinced him it once belonged to Jon Voight; in fact, they used that car in the episode, "The Mom and Pop Store." As zany as that story is, it still feels possible because it really did happen. What DIDN'T really happen was a run in with the real Jon Voight, or an attempt to match a pencil from the car's glove compartment with the bite marks Jon Voight left at that run-in. Seinfeld didn't get less funny after season five, but it did start to move away from reality.

SEINFELD - Season 6, Episode 8 - The Mom and Pop Store

"The Mom and Pop Store"

Filmed: October 10 & 12, 1994

Aired: November 17, 1994

Nielsen rating: 21.3

Audience share: 31

Directed: Andy Ackerman

Writers: Tom Gammill and Max Pross

Kramer's anti-corporatism crops up in this episode as he fights to save a local shoe repair business:

KRAMER: Jerry, you know that shoe repair place at the end of the block? Well, if they don't get some business, they're gonna have to shut down and make way for one of those gourmet coffee or cookie stores.
ELAINE: I like coffee.
GEORGE: I like cookies.
KRAMER: Yeah, of course you do. And do you know why? Because you're a bunch of yuppies. It's your go-go corporate takeover lifestyles that are driving out these Mom and Pop stores and destroying the fabric of this neighborhood.
GEORGE: Well, what's so great about a Mom and Pop store? Let me tell you something. If my Mom and Pop ran a store, I wouldn't shop there.
KRAMER: Hey, Bogambo! They've been in the neighborhood for 48 years. Now, come on, Jerry. You've got to have a pair of shoes in need of a cobbling.

Kramer, of course, is accurate in his description of his friends as "yuppies." George Costanza may have been popular culture's only chronically unemployed yuppie. If not for Kramer, none of them would have given a second thought about Mom and Pop's shoe repair store going out of business. Jerry's efforts back in season three to save Babu's café are motivated purely by narcissism, not out of a desire to save the fabric of the neighborhood.

I respect Kramer's efforts, but in the context of the show his rant is not presented as a gallant battlecry against creeping urban corporatism but rather as Kramer being silly and random. The show's underlying ideology cares little more for Mom and Pop store's than Elaine or George. Though Kramer convinces Jerry to send his shoes in for repairs, it's Elaine and George's stance that rings truest. In an age when shoes are mass produced, why would Jerry ever need to send all his sneakers in to be cobbled? Indeed, allowing Kramer to take his sneakers leaves Jerry in cowboy boots, chasing Mom and Pop upstate after their store abruptly closes. Wouldn't you rather have all your sneakers plus a gourmet coffee and cookie?

Meanwhile, another local businessman scams George. A car salesman gets George to buy a LaBaron when he tells him it belonged to Jon Voight. And a celebration of mass corporatism brings everyone together in the end when the gang gathers at Tim Whatley's apartment to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, where Mr. Pitt fulfills his lifelong dream to hold a rope under the Woody Woodpecker balloon.

SEINFELD - Season 6, Episode 7 - The Soup

“The Soup”

Filmed: October 24-25, 1994

Aired: November 10, 1994

Nielsen rating: 19.1

Audience share: 29

Directed: Andy Ackerman

Writer: Fred Stoller (A classic television "that guy," Stoller is more of a comic actor than a writer. He played the guy who Elaine is attracted to because he doesn't remember her in season 7's "The Secret Code." He is credited with the story for "The Face Painter" later this season.)

This is the first appearance of Kenny Bania. I wrote about Bania's success as a character when I contrasted him with another of Jerry's colleagues, "Buckles," in "The Movie." This episode also marks the first time the gang eats at Reggie's, the restaurant that would later serve as Biazarro Monk's. George insists on trying Reggie's because he is embarrassed to see the waitress he had a bad date with. Reggie's is also where Kramer's extremely hungry girlfriend, Hildy, works. Elaine has a new boyfriend, too. She literally brought Simon back with her from her trip to London. That relationship quickly sours. But because Elaine bought him an open-ended ticket, Simon sticks around, bumming cash off of her and her friends and picking up women in front of her. He gets his comeuppance in the end, though, when Elaine gets Bania into a fight with Simon, who is wearing the suit Bania originally gave to Jerry in exchange for dinner.

Most famously, this episode poses the age-old question, "Is soup a meal?" Jerry and Elaine break it down:

JERRY: So he just gets soup. He wants to save the meal. So now I got to do it all over again.
ELAINE: What kind of soup did he get?
JERRY: I don't know? Consommé or something.
ELAINE: Consommé, hmm.
JERRY: What?
ELAINE: Well, that's not really a meal, Jerry. I mean, if he had gotten Chicken Gumbo, or Matzah Ball, or Mushroom Barley then I would agree with you. Those are very hardy soups.
JERRY: Elaine you're missing the whole point.
ELAINE: What?
JERRY: The meal is the act of sitting down with him. It doesn't matter what you get. As long as he's sitting in that restaurant, it’s a meal.

ELAINE: Was it a cup or a bowl?
JERRY: You see, ah, uh ...
ELAINE: I’m just curious.
JERRY: A bowl, ok?
ELAINE: Did he crumble any crackers in it?
JERRY: (SIGHS)
ELAINE: Did he CRUMBLE any CRACKERS in it?
JERRY: As a matter of fact he did.
ELAINE: Oh, well. Crackers in a bowl. That…that could be a meal.
JERRY: It's like I’m talking to my Aunt Sylvia here.

Jerry's last comment is an odd one, considering his friendships with George and Elaine are based on breaking down life's minutiae. Perhaps he isn't as comfortable when he is the one on the couch. But the question remains. Is soup a meal? Actually, there are two separate questions here. Elaine is focusing on whether soup is substantial enough to count as a satisfying meal. If that is all that is at stake in Bania's suit-for-meal question, her analysis is correct. As a soup connoisseur, I can confirm that soup can be a meal if it is hardy enough, or if it is accompanied by something else that pushes the eating past the threshold from "snack" to "meal." This is, of course, Bania's argument as well. However, Bania is out for more than just a free meal, as Jerry fully understands. Bania's trying to scam Jerry, but not for free food. He wants Jerry's time. He has a big old mancrush on the successful comedian, and he wants as much of Jerry as he can get. Jerry knows this too. The real problem, though, isn't that Jerry is ripping Bania off, or vice versa. It's just that Jerry doesn't like Bania. If Jerry liked his fellow comedian there would be no problem. Of course, he's too polite to admit this. Instead he relies on passive aggression. The meal symbolizes their relationship. Jerry would be perfectly happy if their relationship was nothing more than a bowl of soup. Bania wants a full meal at a nice restaurant. It's not his stomach that is unsatisfied. It's his heart.

SEINFELD - Season 6, Episode 6 - The Gymnast

“The Gymnast”

First Script Read: September 28, 1994

Filmed: Tuesday, October 4, 1994

Aired: November 3, 1994

Nielsen rating: 20.5

Audience share: 31

Directed: Andy Ackerman

Writer: Alec Berg and Jeff Schaffer

This episode climaxes with two huge laughs. The first is when George emerges from the bathroom into his girlfriend's mother's party without a shirt on. He had already been caught by his girlfriend's mother doing various bum-like activities, including eating an éclair out of the garbage and cleaning a car windshield with a newspaper after accidentally spilling coffee on it. Distracted by a 3D image poster in the bathroom, George forgot to put his shirt back on. He takes it off when he "goes to the office," as he put it when Jerry discovered his friend's habit early in the episode. When he spots the mother's horror, George realizes he is wearing no shirt and tries to act casual. It doesn't seem to work.

The audience never gets a chance to see Mr. Pitt's reaction when he discovers his own embarrassing appearance. Instead the final hysterical image of the still unaware character freezes as the credits roll. Mr. Pitt has ink on his jacket and under his nose, making it look like he has an Adolph Hitler mustache. The ink is from Elaine's leaky pen, as she failed to heed Mr. Pitt's insistence that no pens be used in his office because just such a mess could occur. Mr. Pitt is also wearing horse riding clothes. He hasn't gone riding, though, because he has been distracted all episode by a 3D poster Kramer (suffering from a kidney stone) left behind in Mr. Pitt's office. Mr. Pitt doesn't realize he looks exactly like Hitler, especially as he passionately lectures a board of directors, demonstrating with his hand how high he expects the stocks to rise.

The title story, Jerry's, is much less satisfying. It starts with a funny premise; Jerry is attracted to a Romanian gymnast because he fantasizes that her physical abilities will make for better sex. Jerry, with Kramer's encouragement, talks himself into this theory. Then Elaine makes fun of Jerry when the sex is disappointing:

ELAINE: Well, what did you think she was gonna do?
JERRY: Well, you know.... I mean, I don't know...
ELAINE: No, what?
JERRY: Well, obviously I prefer not to mention any, you know...
ELAINE: What did you think, she was going to take some of that chalk and...
JERRY: You see, now I really don't want to get into this... any kind of specifics...
ELAINE: Oh, come on. One thing? One thing! What?
JERRY: Well, frankly, I thought, you know, I was gonna kinda be like the apparatus.
KRAMER: You mean like the uneven parallel bars?
JERRY: See, again, I really don't feel that...
ELAINE: The balance beam?
JERRY: Could we stop?
ELAINE: Ah! Not the pommel horse!
JERRY: All right. Let's just drop it.

But the gymnast story doesn't have anywhere to go after that. Instead, Katya, the gymnast, breaks up with Jerry because the sex wasn't as good as she expected from a comedian. She goes into a long monologue about how comedians are spoken of so highly in her country because of their sexual prowess. It doesn't make a lot of sense.

Oh, and Kramer passes his kidney stone at the circus, screaming so loudly at the pain that Katya's friend, Misha, falls off his high wire. I'd give the episode a 2 out of 4 in terms of pulling off hilarious conclusions. Interestingly, while the storylines certainly interweave throughout, none of the four stories come together at the end. Structurally, then, it lacks the tightness of classic episodes though it makes up for its less-than-perfect conclusion with several memorable scenes.

SEINFELD - Season 6, Episode 5 - The Couch

“The Couch”

First Script Read: September 17, 1994

Filmed: September 21, 1994

Aired: October 27, 1994

Nielsen rating: 19.4

Audience share: 24

Directed: Andy Ackerman

Writer: Larry David

The previous episode, "The Chinese Woman," skirted around the issue of abortion as it discussed the possibility that Kramer or Jerry had ever impregnated women. This issue takes abortion head on. Jerry enjoys sparking a near riot at Poppie's new restaurant when he asks the Pro-Life Poppie about his views on abortion in front of the Pro-Choice Elaine:

JERRY: Poppie, I was just curious. Where do you stand on the abortion issue?
POPPIE: When my mother was abducted by the Communists, she was with child...
JERRY: Oh boy.
POPPIE: ...but the Communists, they put an end to that! So on this issue there is no debate! And no intelligent person can think differently.
ELAINE: Well, Poppie, I think differently.
POPPIE: And what gives you the right to do that?
ELAINE (STANDING UP): The Supreme Court gives me the right to do that! Let's go Jerry. C'mon.
WOMAN AT NEXT TABLE: I heard that. Let's go, Henry.
HENRY: But we just got here...
WOMAN AT ANOTHER TABLE: I'm with you, Poppie!
WOMAN AT YET ANOTHER TABLE: Let's go!
ELAINE: And I am not coming back!
POPPIE: You're not welcome!
JERRY: Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it up.

Larry David's script avoids any real political dialogue, and Poppie's argument relies not on a philosophical argument but a vague personal anecdote about his mother. Elaine is, understandably, offended by Poppie's "no intelligent person can think differently" remark. But her position towards Pro-Lifers is equally firm. She falls in love with Carl, a mover who she meets when he delivers Jerry's new sofa. Jerry spoils that relationship when he asks her if she knows Carl's stance on abortion. Elaine is heartbroken to find that Carl is, indeed, Pro-Life. That revelation ends their relationship.

Jerry's stance, and the attitude of the show overall, is that such extremity is ridiculous. In reality of course, that is a tricky argument to make against either side of the abortion debate. But David's script gives it a shot by using Kramer and Poppie's make your own pizza business plan as a thinly veiled metaphor:

KRAMER: Alright, put a little sauce on here. [SPEAKS UNINTELLIGIBLY WITH ITALIAN ACCENT] Some cheese.
POPPIE: Not too much!

KRAMER: And cucumbers!
POPPIE: Wait a second. What is that?
KRAMER: It's cucumbers.
POPPIE: No, no. You can't put cucumbers on a pizza.
KRAMER: Well, why not? I like cucumbers.
POPPIE: That's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible.
KRAMER: But that's the idea. You make your own pie.
POPPIE: Yes, but we cannot give the people the right to choose any topping they want! Now on this issue there can be no debate!
KRAMER: What gives you the right to tell me how I would make my pie?
POPPIE: Because it's a pizza!
KRAMER: It's not a pizza until it comes out of the oven!
POPPIE: It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough!
KRAMER: No, it isn't!
POPPIE: Yes, it is!

Overall, the "Pro-Life" side comes off looking more foolish in this parody, with Poppie's absurd refusal to allow customers the right to choose any topping they want. In the end, the "when is it a pizza" question is equally absurd on both sides. It is the passion of the abortion argument that this episode teases, not the beliefs of either side. It is an argument to calm down through a demonstration of how strong stances lead to divisions, whether in the pizza business or in romance. It's not the opinion itself but the passion it inspires that causes problems. Elaine and Carl could have accepted each other's difference of opinion, but instead they allowed it to destroy their promising relationship.

SEINFELD - Season 6, Episode 4 - The Chinese Woman

“The Chinese Woman”

First Script Read: Wednesday, September 7, 1994

Filmed: Monday-Tuesday, September 12-13 , 1994

Aired: October 13, 1994

Nielsen rating: 20

Audience share: 30

Directed: Andy Ackerman

Writer: Peter Mehlman

In the previous episode, "The Pledge Drive," George adopts the behavior of the social elite in order to convince Yankee management to support PBS. In other words, he eats a candy bar with a knife and fork. This episode features a woman, Donna Chang, who seems to enjoy portraying herself as Chinese. She introduces herself with her full name. She quotes Chinese philosophers. She teaches an acupuncture class. She even confuses her "Ls" and "Rs." It's not clear why she does these things, except that she seems to understand they lend her a certain exoticism that appeals to people, setting her apart from all the other Caucasian women from Long Island. Indeed, before he meets her in person, Jerry is excited about the prospect of dating a Chinese woman. And Estelle Costanza trusts Donna Chang's marital advice until she realizes she is not Chinese. Donna Chang has figured out a way to take advantage of the prevalent Orientalism in America. And Elaine makes fun of Jerry's interest in a Chinese Woman, but she is similarly excited about the possibility of being in an interracial relationship in the season nine episode, "The Wizard."

Elsewhere, and typical for Seinfeld, the episode dances around abortion without every really addressing it. Kramer becomes concerne when he learns his preferred jockey-style underwear are bad for his sperm count:

KRAMER: Jerry, did you ever have your sperm count checked?

JERRY: No, why should I? I wear boxers.

KRAMER: You ever get a woman pregnant?

JERRY: I'm sorry, Kramer. Those records are permanently sealed.

KRAMER: What would you say if I told you I never impregnated a woman?

JERRY: Really? You never slipped one past the goalie in all these years? Boy, I'm surprised. You've slept with a lot of women, I…

KRAMER: A lot of 'em!

Jerry and Kramer are quite flippant in discussing the topic of pregnancy. Though neither man has ever been married or even expressed a desire to start a family, their discussion seems to presume that Kramer's failure to impregnate any of his partners signifies he is, in this way, less of a man than Jerry.

Uncomfortable in boxers, Kramer switches to wearing nothing at all under his pants. He is, as he puts it, "out there and loving every minute of it." At the end of the episode this switch has apparently been a success. Kramer appears at his window and shouts down to Jerry, Elaine, and George, "Hey, Jerry! Guess what! The Kramer name might live on! Noreen's late! She's laaate!!" Noreen is much less enthusiastic. The closing scene shows her contemplating suicide on a high bridge until Frank Costanza's cape-wearing lawyer (played by Larry David) arrives to lead her down to safety. Kramer, the would-be father, is nowhere to be seen, and the pregnancy is never mentioned again.

SEINFELD - Season 6, Episode 3 - The Pledge Drive

“The Pledge Drive”

First Script Read:  Thursday, August 25, 1994

Filmed: Wednesday, August 31, 1994

Aired: October 6, 1994

Nielsen rating: 20.3

Audience share: 32

Directed: Andy Ackerman

Writers: Tom Gammill and Max Pross

There is so much going on in the episodes of season six that it's hard to know how the creators decided on any one title for each episode. If I mentioned the title, "The Pledge Drive," to an average Seinfeld fan who has seen this episode a few times, he might first remember that this is the episode when Jerry goes on a PBS pledge drive while Kramer works the phones behind him, but he'd have to work backwards from that scene to remember everything else that is going on. This is the episode when George thinks the waitress at Monk's is giving him the middle finger, and then he takes Yankee Danny Tartabull on a long drive to chase a driver who also may have flipped him off. This is also the episode when Mr. Pitt starts a new fad in New York City when Elaine notices he eats his candy bar with a knife and fork. Elaine gets into trouble with her friend Noreen when she mixes up Noreen's voice with her high-talking boyfriend. Jerry gets in trouble with his girlfriend for not saving her thank you card after he received and read it. And finally, Jerry and Uncle Leo are frantic when Nana goes missing after Jerry cashes old birthday checks she sent him.

The Nana thread leads to what is, for me, one of the funniest scenes in Seinfeld. Actually the type of joke is more typical of The Simpsons than of Seinfeld. (Note: episode writers Tom Gammill and Max Pross have been producers at The Simpsons since 2000.) Speaking quite broadly, and granting that there are many exceptions to this rule, one of the joke formulas you'll often see in The Simpsons is when a scene will build towards an expected punchline and then something opposite from the expected will end up happening. Think of it this way - the first time someone told the joke, "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side," it was witty. Once everyone knew the punchline, it became lame. The element of surprise is long gone. Writers for The Simpsons tend to believe the joke would be much better if something totally unexpected happened, and so the chicken gets hit by a bus halfway across the road.

Take the scene of Bart's nude skateboarding in The Simpsons Movie. All sorts of crazy objects are animated in to his route to block his penis from view. The audience quickly begins anticipating some crazy new thing that will block his genitals, when suddenly they are the only part of his body that can be seen as Bart rides behind a fence for a second or two. It's a formula you'll find all over The Simpsons - take an old joke or plot twist, but make the punchline or climax the opposite. Now, wouldn't you agree that the following scene is a bit more Simpsons-ish than Seinfeld-ian?

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS AS NANA WALKS INTO A DARK ALLY LOOKING FOR HER BANK. A STREET TOUGH IN A LEATHER JACKET APPROACHES HER MENACINGLY.]
STREET TOUGH: Looking for something, lady?
NANA: Isn't the Chemical Bank on this block?
STREET TOUGH: The bank? It burned! It's GONE!
NANA: Oh dear.
STREET TOUGH: Now what you wanna do is go down to 49th street. That's the main customer service branch. Ask for Mr. Fleming. He'll help you.

For me, that's hilarious. And the actor playing the Street Tough nails the scene. He's so good that I'll credit the actor. It was F.J. Rio's first scene on television, which he parlayed into various appearances over the years, most notably as a regular in The Shield's final season. But anyway, it seems to me this gag is a bit of an anomaly for Seinfeld while it is easier to imagine in an episode of The Simpsons.

The candy bar thread in this episode also parodies class stereotypes. However, it pulls off satire not by doing a 180 on expectations but rather by pushing them further along until they become ridiculous and silly. That's more of the Seinfeld style. When Elaine describes Mr. Pitt's technique for eating dessert, George attempts to link his own identity to the upper class by defending Mr. Pitt's behavior:

GEORGE: He probably doesn't want to get chocolate on his fingers. That's the way these society types eat their candy bars.
JERRY: Oh, you know.
GEORGE: What, you think I eat all my meals with you?

Later, George once again tries to position himself as a social elite in order to convince the Yankees to send Danny Tartabull to the PBS pledge drive:

GEORGE: So, what do you think?

MR.MORGAN: A PBS fundraiser? I'm not gonna waste any of the players' time with that. Besides the team already does so much promotion for Channel Eleven.

GEORGE: Channel Eleven? Forgive me for trying to class up this place... for trying to have the Yankees reach another strata of society that might not watch Channel Eleven!

[GEORGE BEGINS EATING HIS CANDY BAR WITH A KNIFE AND FORK.]

MR.MORGAN: Uh, what the hell are you doing?

GEORGE: I am eating my dessert. How do you eat it? With your hands?

MR.MORGAN: You know, maybe George has something here about PBS.

Morgan is momentarily fooled by George, convinced by his candy bar consumption. In fact, later in the episode Noreen gets the idea to eat a candy bar with a knife and fork when she spots Morgan doing it at a sidewalk cafe. Eventually, the idea trickles down from the upper class to all New Yorkers, and in the final scene Elaine and Jerry find themselves in Monk's surrounded by people eating candy bars and cookies with knives and forks.

Eating a candy bar with a knife and fork is a classic zany Seinfeld gag. It was an instant hit with the audience as Ian Abercrombie (who played Mr. Pitt) discovered the day after the episode aired. He went out to eat and, as a joke, the waiter brought him a Snickers bar on a plate with a knife and fork. Abercrombie looked up and the whole restaurant burst out laughing.